September 2010 Update

They say that time heals all wounds. I'm not so sure. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time yet. Life has gone on. That is without question. It has a way of doing that even without you paying attention to it.

My mother passed away on April 12, 2010. My life just hasn't been the same since.

She had been in and out of the hospital a few times since December 2009 for her COPD-Cronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and Emphysema. Yes. My mother had been a smoker most of her life. She didn't smoke the last 20 years, but smoked a tremendous amount prior to that. Sometimes as much as 4 packs a day. Her and my father smoked back in a time when you could smoke anywhere. At work, at the store, at school and even at hospitals. You think about that. Four packs a day would total 80 cigarettes/day. You do the math. Assuming they got 8 hours of sleep that leaves 16 hr days. There is 60 minutes in every hour 60 x 16hr = 960 minutes/80 cigs= (1) cigarette every 12 minutes.

I realize because I said my mother was in and out of the hospital since December 2009 that you may think that we were prepared for our mothers death, right? Couldn't be further from the truth. Mom would say to us in the hospital "Now you know I'm on the last leg of my journey, right? You are ready, right?" and we would say "Yes Mom, we are ready." I suppose just saying it to end the question. I don't know. Because I wasn't ready. Can you ever be ready for soemthing like that?

We were all with her at the end. All my brother & sisters, some of the grandchildren and even her sister Kathy came from New Jersey at the last minute before my mother took her last breath. Each of us reaching out to touch her one last time to be witness to her final breath in this lifetime. It was a wonderous sight for sure. Mom's breathing was labored for sure. We were yelling at her to "Hold on!!" because my Aunt Kathy was running down the hallway to be with her sister one last moment. She had just minutes before gotten off the plane and was rushed to the hospital. My Aunt Kathy ran into her room-had a brief private moment with her sister than all of us came in reached out touched Mom's arms, legs, face, heart anywhere we could. Not an inch of Mom didn't have someones loving touch. My mother took her last breath. Finally at rest. My Mother was gone. Forever.

Mom would hem a pair of jeans that were too long for you or make your daughter a dress for a competition or a Halloween costume because you had no money. She would make you a pocketbook out of Capri Suns or a apron for Gardening. She would quickly throw you together a meal out of anything if you were hungry. Coffee was offered the minute you walked through the door. She could screw up a good joke...but have you laughing harder because she was...even without even telling you the punch line. She could make a mean pot of Clam Chowder and put together a Roast Beef dinner in the microwave. Mom was never much of a cook, but she managed to feed all of us and all our children and their children her whole life. I suppose she wasn't so bad a cook after all.

Mom never shined as much as she did at Holidays. She did Christmas like no one you knew. The house would always be decorated. Even as kids and as disfunctional as our family was at times...the greatest memories were at Christmas. Our living room always looked like Santa saved all the gifts just for us. And as adults the family "get togethers" at Christmas would always be at Mom's house too. Near the end of her life things had changed but most our lives this is how things were.

Halloween was a special time for family, too. My brother George use to get a trailer and do it up with hay and decorations. All the kids (and some adults) could ride on it in the neighborhood to do trick or treating. All of us would wind up back at Moms for Hot Chocolate and other goodies she would make. Some Hot Chili....or sandwiches. She always had candy bars too. It was always just right. She made it special all the time.

My mother didn't have much in the way of finances, but she would give you her last dime if you needed it more than she did. You could call her any time of day for comfort and support no matter what it was. Her opinions were usually right on. She was a great listener.

Her hugs were incredible. Her laugh was contagious. Her smile was addictive. Mom had a wit like no one else. She could be sneaky and manipulative, loving and caring all in the same moment. She loved her family. She was the head of it. She held us together like glue. "Do it for Mom" and you'd do it for Mom.

Mom loved us so much that she made us her whole life. Because of that-I can't imagine my life without her in it. It's like having a house without it's foundation. My mother wasn't a perfect women. She wasn't even a perfect Mother or Grandmother but she was just right for us. She was our friend.

She was a incredible women. We didn't notice how much so until she was no longer with us. I'm so sorry Mom for not realizing how much you would be missed. How much I needed you. I'm so sorry for all the things only you know.

I miss her everyday. Every minute. Every second. Every Breath. I can only hope you are in a more peaceful place, one without the struggles you experienced so much of near the end. A place full of love and appreciation for who you are. You will forever live in my heart and in my memories. Thank you for being part of my life. The most important part. I love you so much Mom. Deeper than the Ocean and Higher than the Sky until Infinity.