Today is the 4th day. My 4th nightmare. My 4th day breathing easier, but still not fitting in. The 4th day to the first day, of the rest of my life!
Its has been 86.5 hours since I had my last cigarette!!! An Amazing Feat! I know!! Very Difficult. Mike is doing it with me too. God Bless him, because if he wasn't I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be making it at all. It would be extremely difficult to quit with someone still smoking in the house, or even just around you.
Its a strange feeling trying to do without something, you have had as the closest thing to you for 34 years. I can only imagine its like doing with an arm, or leg perhaps. You use it all the time. Then its gone. What did you do before it? Cigarettes have always been part of my life. Even when I was in the womb. Mom smoked with all of us. I came into this world addicted to them. I know I did. I'm sure I did. Every single one of us, all 5 of us, and 7 of us with my parents were smokers. Mom and Dad at one point, smoked 4 packs a day each. Back in the day you could smoke at work.
When I was 11, there was this girl at school who always tormented me about them. She would go out of her way to ask me daily if I smoked (always in front of an audience), and I always said no, and she insisted I must have been a baby for not even trying them. It was set. Set in my head that cool was related to smoking. That's just how it was.
My sister Karen and her friend were sitting on the side of the house one day when I came by. Mom and Dad were gone. I asked Karen what they were doing, and Karen turned to her friend and said I didn't smoke, and that most likely I would tell on her to my parents. She called me a "nerd". (Back then it was a cool term. You know the 70's and all) I told them I had smoked before, and told her to let me try it. I sucked it in, and almost died. But from that point on, I practiced it every chance I got.
Then my Dad caught me smoking one day, and he said I could smoke in the garage, only around him. So I spent a lot of time out there. Tons. My father only allowed me to smoke for certain reasons, and maybe one day I can delve into that, but not now.
That was the beginning. Now here is it, 34 years later. I smoke 2 1/4 packs a day of Doral-Light 100's. Before that it was Marlboro Lights. Before that Marlboro Red pack. 2 1/4 packs a day, that's like 50 cigarettes a day. I can't smoke at work, so its only in the morning, breaks, lunch and at home. Go figure.......you can imagine, I never put one down. Every picture of me, there it was like an additional arm or leg stick out from between my fingers. There was 7 of us growing up. I can't remember even once the house filled with smoke. Not once. You would imagine with 2 smokers like my parents the house would have been filled with it. But no, no recall whatsoever.
I can smell it still. Now sitting in my office. I miss it. The calming effect it has on me. The first drag on it in the morning, or after a good sip of coffee. After heavy breathing, like after sex. I loved those moments when smoking was what it was intended for. Relaxation.
However, I don't miss the coughing. The coughing and peeing on myself. The hacking on cold days. The never getting over a cold, and regretting every X-Ray of your chest, as it might be the one that shows the cancer. You hate going to the doctors because the first word out of their mouth is, "are you a smoker?". You say yes, and not matter what your there for, you have it because you are a SMOKER!!!! Laughing now. Its funny. But I can remember just a few months ago getting very angry when I went in with Pneumonia. Which I still have side effects from.
The doctor prescribed a pill called Wellbutrin XL, 150MG
http://www.wellbutrin-xl.com/. I was to take 1-pill the first 3 days, and 2-pills the following 4 days. On the eight day I was to quit.
I half expected to wake up Saturday the Eighth day with an overwhelming feeling of wanting to quit. NOT. Nor did I lose all memory of ever smoking. I woke up this past Saturday seeing my cigarettes and ashtray sitting next to my seat. Saying to myself "today is the day Linda", "Today is the day". I took the cigarette pack and put it in my ashtray and moved it out of sight. I would see how I would feel, and see if I can make it to lunch. After lunch was harder.....blood pressure was going up. Overly Anxious feeling. Tense. I took a deep breath and reminded myself of why I wanted to quit in the first place.
Recently they found a lump in my right breast during my very FIRST Mammogram. They did it a biopsy, and found out it was just a cyst. Nothing to worry about, no Breast Cancer. About a month ago, I went to the gynecologist for the first time in 19 years. They did a Pap-Smear. Results came back a week later. I had High-Grade Cancer Cells in my cervix. Had a biopsy done. No Cancer yet....but a sign of Cancer to come. They will be performing a LEEP on me on the 27th of November. This next Monday. They'll remove the lesion on my cervix. Then I get checked every 6 months to see if it came back, or if there is any cancer.
The feelings subsided after lunch, and then again into the evening. I have made it almost a full day. That's how I felt this past Saturday. It was stressful, but I kept reminding myself that "NOT SMOKING" wouldn't kill me. Just Aggravate me. But not Kill me. I would survive, if I didn't kill someone.
I thought at first Mike as having a harder time than me. But now I think I'm having a harder time. He finds work a little easier than me. Habits.....Habits....
Re-training your whole life style. I have often wondered what NON-Smokers did with their time after a meal, after drinking coffee, or even during coffee. How did they manage putting on their makeup without one burning on the sink. What did they do in the car on their way to somewhere? or on their way back from somewhere?? OH MY God, how do they manage without cigarettes????? That is what I've always wondered.
I get it now.
They survived. They breathed in the air after they ate, drank or even had sex and could go again without having to recover. You see, they can breathe.
They relaxed just knowing they weren't giving themselves or someone else cancer. I pity Smokers. And I am one, so I can say this. I pity them, me..... Because we truly believe, that it can't get us. It won't touch us. Its our choice because we are adults. That's bull-crap too. These cigarette companies put stuff in them to make us addicted to them. ITS A FACT!! So no. Its not your fault, but it is if you don't try stopping. That's what I'm doing now. I'm trying. I never want to pick another one up. And as far as I see it, I won't. Wish me and Mike luck!!
